The Road Leading to the Next Road
I ran into love with both eyes closed. I did not fall into love, I ran into the realms of love. Speed blazing, t-shirt kissing the wind, kind of running. Full gear on!
I ran into the arms of love with so much anticipation of everlasting bliss.
Oh boy, was I right to run.
The problem was that I was running in the wrong direction, jam-packed haste into the wrong direction.
I did not crash like cars do, I collapsed and withered like humans and plants do.
Let me start at the beginning.
It was a very cold day on planet earth; Saturday around midday to be more specific. I had a fever so severe I was sure that I was going to be best friends with my bed for a few days. Life programmed to unfold in a certain way for my endurance and pleasure would have to wait for me to recover.
This was no permanent defeat, it was a temporary break from life proceeding in a certain manner. Resting is living as well, make no mistake. My aim was to rest.
My dear friend, ever so kind to elevate my existence with chicken soup and some soulful cheers, came with an accomplice that literally immobilized my fever for a few minutes.
For those few minutes, I was healthy. I felt I could make honey like bees do and magically release an alluring scent like jasmine or some exotic plant. I am certain I felt that way but I am pretty sure that I did not look that way at all.
This was a surprise visit, I did not owe anyone to be embarrassed of the state I was in. I do not have a designer or make up artist ready to spruce me up for every visit or outing.
This accomplice, who is a cousin of hers I had never met, was something special in vision. Some people have superpowers, not the Avengers kind but energy superpowers. You feel alive, healed or get happy goosebumps by just looking at them.
I knew I was in some kind of trouble when I felt a butterfly making waves in my tummy — this butterfly was powerful.
Turns out he felt the same way, he felt a connection.
Fast forward a few weeks later, I am now running towards something which feels larger than I. I am happy, bubbly, light, generous and 99% in smile mode. Something in me is bouncing. I am glowing. I am love struck and it feels amazing.
I had entered into the love realm.
Months pass and life is gorgeous. I feel like a flamboyant flower. My world is filled with blossoming trees and singing oceans, the dolphins are joining in as well — it is a party everywhere!
Fast forward to the middle of my journey with this human (two years down the line), mind that I say human, I start picking up flaws and the not so special side of him. The fights start escalating and the emotions start caging.
Day by day, he looks more human and normal than the previous day. I love him no less but my excitement for him has pretty much taken a knock.
He is no longer my strongest drug, I can find an excuse not to smoke him exactly when he wants. We both withdrawing, we both an annoyance to each other’s hearts but with all this we still cannot keep completely off each other’s zones. He is the bad coffee I can’t stop drinking, something about this coffee tickles the fantasies of my taste buds.
When you know you know. As beautiful as some experiences are, at some point, they must come to an end. Somewhere in the middle, I knew this hot and cold love will come to an end eventually.
I would have to stop excusing familiarity and fear as love. A large part of myself knew but no one could prepare me for the end. Nothing could prepare me for the heart clenching.
Often times we do not know the exact timing of endings and that is what killed me. Not the actual ending but the time that it came, I was not ready.
I still loved him. We shared a lot together and created a new life. We made plans and still had many to fulfil. We were not perfect but we were great as two individuals merging to live a part of our lives together. In this case, our life paths were not meant to merge for too long.
I was having a slice of cheesecake in the evening when the call came in. “We need to talk, I am coming over, will be there in 15 minutes” he said. I knew by the tone in his voice and the knot formed in my stomach that something terrible was about to happen, my heart sank.
“I love you. I however….” he uttered.
That is all I remember him saying, then he left.
Just like that!
I literally perished for a few seconds. That energy I felt when I first saw him, oozed out of me quickly and I withered like a sickly plant and eventually collapsed, not literally but I did collapse in heart.
I changed, I became bitter. I was heartbroken, it hurt. It felt like a painfully annoying song on repeat.
That was my exit out of love, I wanted nothing to do with romance or anything resembling it. My exit was dreadful, it felt slow — the pain was enormous to carry.
Quite the opposite of a thrill!
Towards the end of my exit, I was slapped out of my numb state by introspection.
I have to admit that the relationship was really something amazing but it had a toxic element to it. I ignored red flags and brushed them to Mars. The same red flags came to chew off me in my blind state and kicked me in the butt more than once. It is needless to point out that I fell several times from the kicks but still rose to cater to this love.
I neglected to take care of myself and my partner did not alert me to that. The give and take aspect was far out of balance and proportion. I had begun to wither way earlier than I had realized. I was in desperate need of fertilizer, sunlight and water.
I had run into that love quickly, full gear on without my head on my shoulders. I did not think enough about what I was doing, who I was becoming and what I was committing to. I did not ask enough of the right questions.
I poured too much too early. That was how I was running into the wrong direction.
I had pains from childhood and adulthood I needed to confront and deal with. I had self to fix, understand and love enough before I could pour into another.
I confirm that I needed the breakup pain, it was an awakening of consciousness. A bath I needed.
A shedding I needed to have.
The introspection led to my re-entry into the love realm. A different kind of love. I entered into love with self.
I wanted to do the work to heal and recover. That means I could not use another human as an escape, as a hiding place.
I walked into this love, I walked into it with intention. I walked into it with a steady pace. Much more observant. I asked questions, others repeatedly. I wanted clarity.
I wanted to bounce back positively different, with a different kind of glow.
This journey is a different kind of intimacy — not always roses and massages. It requires commitment, balance, honesty and patience.
My re-entry into love has been eventful and priceless.
I will not disregard getting into a romantic relationship with another again. That love will come at a time when I am ready to share myself, that is not the case now.
I am on this road now. There is a certain peace and freedom here. This road will lead me to the next road, whatever it may be.
Love is most likely the essence of life. A lot of the sacrifices we need to make are pointless without love of people, self or life. Love is essential and like most things requires intention, attention, boundaries and respect of.
I called my previous partner when I was in a better space and thanked him. He is a part of my story and I cannot dismiss the good he did and the role he played in my existence. I thanked him for leaving me, my weaker-self did not have the courage to leave him.
Finally, I understood.
The self needs me too.
If one continues to pour from an empty cup self-suffers or dries up and one loses every time one lives in a state where their emotions are always stronger than their mind, will and instinct.
